People pleasing affects 68% of women, what you can do.
Updated: Jul 27
Women are largely more likely than men to identify with the people-pleasing traits in this survey, with a few exceptions.
Women, Do you put other people’s needs first, at the expense of your own - 68% of women polled said, somewhat or very often.
The majority of women struggle with balancing doing the right thing for others while advocating for themselves.
So let’s talk about it.
Women are social beings, biologically attuned to their surroundings for the safety of themselves and their kin.
Primed to be alert for any emotional variation that could indicate a possible threat.
Women need to be attuned this way as women are the most vulnerable, particularly when caring for young children. their best interest to avoid conflict = perceived danger ( whether physical or emotional ) ⚠️
Also, women, generally, have a vastly wider range of emotional cognition.
Hence why women are mothers, dialled into their nonverbal children and the needs of their family, partner and so on. the ability to make decisions that keep everyone content and happy - even at their own expense.
So while we demonise people pleasing it has strong utility in the workplace and families.
However, at its most extreme, it can create delayed conflict, resentment and isolation.
Here are some reflections to help you find some balance when trying to create peace ( & perceived safety ) while still self-advocating.
All opinions are valid
Compromise has been conflated with silence. A breakdown in the perception of what it means to be a feminine force has created two personality types - combative and conciliatory.
These are both extreme ends of the debate. If you want your opinion to be considered, speak to it without the emotional attachment to a preconceived idea of how ‘it will end up.’
2. Strive for equality, not authority.
Conversations approached with the need to win rather than equal input creates a power dynamic of right and wrong or villain and victor. If you role models the importance of equal and opposing sides having simultaneous importance, you create a complex and more refined outcome, that truly benefits everyone.
3. Connection vs complacency
Women want to be understood, however, when choosing to people please, you become a homogenised version of yourself. Your personality, likes, dreams, hopes, and motivations get pushed to one side that you never allow anyone to truly know you with any depth.
4. Cynicism is the people pleaser underlying belief.
Are you setting up your loved ones to fail? Do you believe that they can’t handle your opinion or ideas, so instead of facing the situation, you automatically make them the ‘bad guy’ without allowing them to listen, respond or interact with you?
5. Is your story about function over family?
This is the big one, women get into such a stride with a family life that it is ‘easier’ to go with the flow or ‘do it how it’s always done’, that now it has become too much of a headache to be yourself. Believing your only purpose is a function rather than acting like an insightful, intelligent and integrated member of your family who has intrinsic value to offer.
By recognising these underlying issues that come from extreme people pleasing ( some are healthy and valuable to life ) you can choose which conversations to self-advocate in and the others that aren’t so important, but you’ve made that choice.
Let me know in fbe comments:
Do you struggle with this?
Does this resonate?
What are you going to change?
Sam x
Hey!!! 👋
My name is Samantha, but please call me Sam. My passion ..... talking ....listening and talking some more.
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