Updated: Jul 27
Recently, I had conversation with a friend who was sharing her dismay and despair within her relationship.
He won’t open up to me,
I’m trying to help him,
He won’t communicate his feelings,
I care about him so why won’t he listen to my advice.
My advice is always.....
Stay in your lane.
So what do I mean when I say that.
•Your are the girlfriend, not the coach.
You are his equal not his employee,
You need to role model not figure out his routine.
You need to support not smother,
You need to protect your boundaries not project your shit all over this.
I know it sounds harsh, I know it sounds disconnected.
I know it feels almost impossible to sit by while someone is having a crisis.
Helping doesn’t always help.
There is saying, you don’t fix money problems with money.
I am firm believer that you can’t create a clean, loving and balanced connections when you assign yourself the role as worker, therapist, coach or doctor.
It’s literally codependency in the making.
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It’s dis-empowering, to the other person and you are only a hop, skip and a jump away from resentment and disrespect for them.
I hear the comments:
“ That seems selfish”
“ We need more support out there in the world”
“That’s what you do when you love someone”
Nope, that's what you do when your afraid to lose someone.
Bulldozing their boundaries,
Overstepping their choices,
Treating them like they are incapable.
They most certainly are capable to make changes, when they are good and ready.
Your problem with it...... well, it’s yours
When you self appoint the role of mummy, you are drawing the respect out of the relationship.
It should be kindness not a chore.
So how then, can you help someone without creating the codependency cycle?
Ask empowering questions.
What do you feel like you can do? Or, How can you change this?
Be the partner,
Allow them enough room to ponder, think and decide. Any person who has ever made long lasting change commuted to the idea when it is there own.
Be ok with seeing someone in pain
If THEIR pain causes you to trigger back into your stuff, understand that pain is also the motivator to do better, if you avoid seeing it, that’s yours.
Act as a role model,
Go the gym, speak about your feelings, look after your health. People need to see change not talk about it.
Outsource, outsource, outsource.
If they are having problems let the professionals handle it. The last thing you want in your relationship is to go to resentment because you blurred the lines of tile within the relationship. Be the girlfriend, let the therapist do the work.
And for you, speak to your friends, live your life, support them in their choices and spend time switching off together.
Codependency is the killer of equality and respect in relationships.
Stay in your lane.
Use the worksheets to help you rediscover your boundaries and have a plan for how to uphold them.
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My name is Samantha, but please call me Sam. My passion ..... talking .... at its most basic form. I love talking, conversations, listening to people, understanding business messages, human behaviour all through conversation.
Naturally, this is why I’m a communication coach.
Not about public speaking or a vocabulary lesson, I help you communicate within so you feel confident out.
✨Communication is a skill, speaking up for yourself and standing up for your needs, it will open doors for you every where. ✨
My mission for my clients, friends and acquaintances is helping you communicate to build your connection and deepens your relationships.😍❤️
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